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mad Giving you this and that.
Giving gave nothing back.
It's all related to.
All the things I do.
Feeling like a fool inside.
Seeing all the things you tried.
I am nothing.
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i know i shouldnt complain, i know i shuld be happy. i mean- i have someone. but everyone i know is always complaining about their someones....so why can't i? and this isnt going to really be complaining....its just getting it out, b/c yeah talking to kevin was good but i dunno i need to sort some things out....
first off:
I am mad at him.
there said it, now for those of you who don't know me that well- i hardly admit to being mad at people. i usually say i'm mad at myself, or at the 'situation'. and maybe once again i am mad at the situation, but theres something more.
....i am getting all this pent up rage and anger toward him, and thats my downfall. i need to let it out either to him or to someone, before i just snap on day and do something i don't want to do..
i am mad b/c he doesnt or can't or wont trust me. and i understand not being able to trust people, but there comes a point when you have to. and i think, 6 months is kind of a long time. and every freaking time he accuese me of cheating on him, or going to cheat on him- my heart breaks. shatters. i try to joke about it and everything, b/c its so rediclous. but it hurts. i would never do that, i am NOT my mother. i would never do that. and i know the saying 'never say never'...i can say never about this, b.c i wouldn't. i know myself well enough to know i never would. its not me. i could never do that to someone.
i am mad b/c he wasnt there. i know this is selfish. but....he wasn't. and i know i always put everyone before myself and what not...but i needed him, and i admitted to that. and he wasnt there. i know its not his fault and i shouldnt be mad at him. it just seems to me, that this always happens. and i should know better then to count on someone being there.
i am mad b/c when i talk, its like he doesnt listen. i know he does but....its like he doesnt. when i talk to someone, and tell them how i feel i need them to respond....not just kiss me or whatever. i need them to ask why, or what happened and give me time to answer. not get defensive, or start apoligizing. its not his fault. nothing to do with me is his fault. its not his fault im depressed, its not his fault that i hate things or that things piss me off. i can't take the apologies. they mean nothing. seriously, empty words. it drives me freaking batty, its not your fault- so don't be sorry. say 'my condolences' or that sucks, that blows, what are you going to do, why, whate happened....my goodness, there are a million things you can say. NOT I'M SORRY!
i am mad b/c i am not a slut. ok that sounds wrong. i am not a slut and i dont want sex all the freaking time, actually lately its been never. but i am a little promiscuous. and this leads people to think that i want it all the time. i dont want to be constantly kissing and doing things. when something is wrong, i want to or need to talk about it. and forgetting about it doesnt work, pushing it away...pretending it doesnt exsist. its still there, but now its just building up. and i dont appricaite people telling people things that make me sound like a slut. i will do anything to make someone like me or love me. anything. and that is the only reason i would ever do it, to please someone. not for myself. i am not a slut. i am not easy. i am not.
i am mad b/c i am finding way too many simlarities between two people that i thought were not alike at all. and i dont know, it may just be me and how my mind works. but its scarey. i just got out of that, i just got alright with ebing out of that. i dont want to be sucked down again. and i know i wont b/c this time i am in control of my feelings, or lack there of.
i am mad b/c i don't like bascially being told what to do. kevin is one of my really good friends, and i hate the fact that i have to feel like i'm doing something wrong when i talk to him, i hate feeling guilty if i want to hang out with him, hug him, or tell him whats wrong. i hate that. i am grateful for kevin. and i dont think i should have to cut him out of my life b/c of paranoia. i'm freaking paranoid too, i have my jealous moments, but little by little i'm getting over it. b/c theres no reason for it.
ok, these little confessions might piss someone off....and im not sorry. i know thats cold but im not. b/c i needed to talk to ....someone. and he wasnt around. i said yesterday morning we should talk but...no. and ive been thinking it and saying it for a while...i hate being ignored. so this is what happens now, i no longer will write letters i won't send. i've had it. when something bothers me, i'm either putting it in here or talking about it and since he wasnt around for me to talk about it with...it goes here.
...and these aren't all the things, just the ones i could put into words.
there are some other things upsetting me, but this entry was for the sole purpose of getting allt his shit out. i dont know if it worked....
July 17 2005, 15:21:03 UTC 6 years ago
i havent been around and i havent talked to you in forever. i wont pretend to know anything about whats going on. all i can do is give insight based on this post alone. if you dont want to hear it.. thats fine. i know that theres a lot more goin on in your life than what i read in this one post. i just hope you know that im just trying to help.
mostly.. i can relate to your feelings about sex and ppl thinking your a slut. for me, its mostly that im too much of a free spirit and too friendly for my own good. people dont understand. or people like to be assholes and spread lies. the whole issue surrounding sex in general is infuriating on so many levels. i think you can relate that just because you may act in a certain way doesnt mean youre gonna jump the next guy that walks by. theres a difference between looking for a fuck and simply being who you are. i try to be more aware of my actions so i dont put out the wrong message.. but i dont think it helps much. apparently my talking to a member of the opposite sex is a signal for them to try to fuck me. apparently even when i say no.. im simply being coy.
basically.. you need to do whats best for yourself. trust me.. even doing something to please someone else fucks you up. honestly.. it wasnt till i was going out w/ alex that i felt ok and actually enjoyed myself. until then, anything i did was for somebody else. because i felt like i owed it to them somehow. because i thought that was all i had to offer. i thought a lot of things that just got me in fucked up situations. i let myself be abused cos i thought i deserved it.
you need to be true to yourself. you have every right to feel the way you do. it fuckin hurts to be accused or pushed away somehow. he needs to work on his trust issues.. but hes the only one who can do that. him accusing you or saying its gonna happen is his way of keeping you at a safe distance. like if he prepares himself for it.. it wont hurt so much. kinda like breaking up.. i always said the worst thing was a nice guy who did stupid things. an asshole.. you can get mad at all call him an asshole and simply hate. but its harder when the person who hurt you is actually a good guy. but him building up a wall is only gonna make things worse for both of you. you need to be true to yourself. you shouldnt be made to feel like youre doing something wrong by doing that. he needs to accept you for who you are, fully, and trust you. you trying to tip toe around him actually make you come out looking sneaky in teh end. youre better off being up front and honest about what you do and who your friends with. he may not like it.. but at least youre being honest. if you dont want to do something or unhappy, then let it be known. if youre not getting what you need, say something. you cant get the support you need if no one knows that you need it. especially guys... they don't always tend to be that quick to catch on to things. if he really cares about you, then he wants you to be happy, and hed want to be able to make you happy. give him that chance by letting him know where you are.
July 17 2005, 15:22:54 UTC 6 years ago